I took ayahuasca, and it was basically an adult sleepover…if everyone had norovirus.

The ceremony was held at a private home with a group of about 15 people. The first step was rapé—an herbal tobacco powder blown into your sinuses. I skipped that part because our guide said that for first-timers it can make some people feel sick, and you may not want to start your ayahuasca journey that way.

Then we took the medicine: a brown liquid made from the ayahuasca vine. It took about 30 minutes to come on before I was flooded with visualizations—an intense, full-body, full-mind experience. It was similar to mushrooms in many ways, but there were distinct differences. I felt like I was communicating with spirit directly—asking questions and receiving answers, guidance, and visions.

The first vision came as a kaleidoscope of spiders with fangs closing in, ready to devour me. I didn’t resist. I just let it happen—and through that non-resistance, it opened up into a beautiful jungle of leopards and emeralds.

The first message I received was about my mother and generational trauma. She has been bullied and put down by the men in her life—her brothers, my father—and when she was blessed with a son, her prayers were for healing and protection. When I tease and disrespect her, it is painful and heartbreaking. Spirit told me that my responsibility is to be her protector, and that only when I have fulfilled that role can I step into greater abundance.

I understood what spirit was telling me and have taken it deeply to heart. With great appreciation, I accepted this knowledge—and I was blessed with a beautiful trip.

Maybe an hour in, I started to hear the “music” of ayahuasca…which is basically people vomiting. For a moment, it was gross—but I caught myself and recognized: there is no good or bad, there just is. Don’t resist it. Listening to those sounds wasn’t unpleasant, and it brought visions of us all as a den of large snakes crawling along the floor. This might sound unpleasant, but it wasn’t. Sinking into the earth, returning to the dirt, being eaten by bugs and resprouting as plants. I was laughing and joking with myself, enjoying the feelings and visions of the journey.

I’ve been told that ayahuasca should be taken in nature, and I can imagine a profoundly different experience in the jungle, surrounded by the sounds of insects and animals.

Then came the sananga—sacred eye drops used by Indigenous people. Our guide said it was used by hunters to see and feel the forest…well, I felt like they put battery acid in my eyes. It was painful, and my actual thoughts were: This is bullshit. These people are just putting salt water in our eyes and telling us it’s medicine. But sananga is a real thing said to decalcify your pineal gland—just be aware: it hurts.

Next stop: the fire. I was able to walk around and go outside in the snow where they had a fire burning. I stood barefoot in the snow, looking at the stars and into the fire. One unique thing about ayahuasca was that the visions only came with my eyes closed. When my eyes were open, I was very present in reality.

I spoke with a guide, and he emphasized the experience of the group—trying not to see yourself as separate, but to see the group as your brothers and sisters. That helped later as the puking, farting, burping, and snoring intensified. He was smoking a joint and shared some smoke with me. As I went inside, he said, “Ask it to show you God…”

So as I lay down, I put my hands on my stomach and said, “Show me God.” Spirit took me inside my body, up the spine like a column of light, and into the crown—where it blossomed like a lotus. The colors were translucent white, soft pink, and pale blue. It was very vivid, and I can still see the image clearly in my mind.

I was blessed with joyful, loving emotions, and I did not vomit or feel sick. I had practiced strict moderation around sex, sugar, alcohol, cannabis, media, and red meat in the month leading up to the ceremony. The message spirit sent me was that I live a clean and positive life—and to stay on this path.

I know many people have strong emotional releases in these ceremonies, and for many the purging is a release of feelings stuck in the mind and body. I’ve said this before, but I truly believe my daily breathwork helps me release pent-up emotions on a day-to-day basis. I don’t believe I’m holding as much as someone without these practices—and my meditation practice blesses me with acceptance, non-resistance, and grace.

The message from spirit was that daily practice is our connection to God—that spiritual devotion is the path to happiness, joy, and peace in our lives. I saw that without it, we are trapped in confusion, restlessness, ill health, and dis-ease.

Around 4:00am the ceremony ended, and we were invited to go downstairs for soup and be with the group—but I couldn’t do it. I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept, and I was starting to run a fever. I couldn’t bring myself to be social.

This is when it became challenging. It turned out I was coming down with the flu, and as morning came—surrounded by people snoring, farting, and vomiting—my fever was rising. I felt trapped and desperately wanted to leave, but I couldn’t. As the sun came up, I was ready to go, but I wasn’t quite ready to drive.

Then they announced they would start administering kambo, where they burn you and apply a medicine made from the scraped secretion of a giant green Amazonian frog—meant to induce purging. Once I heard we were in for another round of vomiting, I was out. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

As magical and enlightening as the night before was, the following day was rough. I had a 102° fever (from the flu—I don’t think from the ayahuasca), and I spent the whole day in bed feeling nauseous and intensely uncomfortable, almost stuck in the sensations of being in that room with everyone vomiting and getting sick.

In closing: I would sit with ayahuasca again, but in a more private setting—with people I know, feel close to, and who practice some form of spiritual discipline and self-cultivation.

I also don’t know if there is much ayahuasca can offer me that mushrooms cannot—and why go through the violence of purging and nausea? Mushrooms have been consistently joyful, loving, and spiritually connective for me over the past few years.

Lastly, I don’t need drugs to know we are all light—divine beings connected in every way. I have meditation, yoga, breathwork, and sangha to show me and connect me to those feelings. Above all, I feel blessed and grateful for that knowledge of self.